X, Y, Z IS FOR EXAMINE YOUR ZIPPER
By Matthew Latkiewicz
X, Y, Z is for Examine Your Zipper, which, ok, obviously is a total punt – I mean, we’re combining three letters into one, and “examine” starts with an ‘e’—but believe me, there aren’t many interesting alcohol words that begin with x or z, so with apologies to ‘yeast,’ which probably would have been y, this is what you’re getting.
But hang with me. I’m gonna bring it around.
Examine your Zipper! X, Y, Z dude. It’s what you would say to a buddy in middle school when their zipper was down, usually coming back from the restroom, but with the middle school boys, who knows. It’s a coded way to save your friend from the horror of having their zipper down, which honestly is still pretty embarrassing. Like if I realize my zipper’s been down for a part of the day, I’m not thrilled about it, you know, and I definitely wish someone had x, y, z’ed me.
As drinkers, don’t forget to x, y, z each other. And not just the zipper part, although, yes, definitely that. We are prone to forget stuff like that.
But we’re also prone to forget our manners. And forget to look out for ourselves. And forget we shouldn’t drink tequila or whatever.
So, part of the deal we take on as drinkers is to look out for each other, and to allow ourselves to be looked out for. My wife and I have a signal when we’re out and I’m becoming a drunken loud mouth. She gently squeezes my thigh and I turn to her and say, “sorry, am I being a drunken loud mouth,” and then she shushes me because other people are talking. It’s not as sly as saying x, y, z to your friend with the open fly, but it works for us.
Remember, when you are a person who enjoys drink, you are also a representative of the drinking life, and for all our sake, I hope you represent it well; represent the good parts, the parts that expand your world rather than destroy it. Remember to x, y, z yourself. Before leaving the bathroom, yes, as we’ve established, very important, but also every time you drink. Drink is not an excuse to let your inner asshole out and it shouldn’t turn you into a totally different person. We all must learn to develop that part of our brains that watch out for us, clues us in to how we look from the outside. And we should be receptive to signals from others that also give us a sense of where our drunkenness is at. Those signals are the x, y, z’s of adulthood, and just like in middle school, it can save you from the embarrassment of an open fly, alcoholically speaking that is.
X, y, z is for examine your zipper.
Cheers, and now you know your a, b, c’s, next time won’t you drink with me.